Welcome, and thank you so much for joining me for this experiment.
We all look at mindfulness and think, Sure, that makes sense. We know it’s probably good for us. We know that slowing down, paying attention, and creating a little more space between what happens and how we respond can be helpful. But knowing that and actually living it are two different things. Mindfulness isn’t just going to happen on its own. Creating enough space to think, speak, and act from a more intentional place, rather than automatically reacting from our habitual patterns, takes time and practice. And slowing down can feel surprisingly counterintuitive at first. We’re accustomed to filling every space, moving on to the next thing, and keeping ourselves occupied. But when we create a little space, we have the opportunity to notice what’s actually here. That’s where focus, creativity, insight, and new ideas have room to emerge. So make a plan that works for you. Do a little, or do a lot. Take five minutes one day and thirty the next. Miss a day and come back the next morning.
That’s what these 40 days are really about: creating a little more space to notice, to listen, and to choose how we want to meet what’s here.
It unfolds in two parts.
First: Two daily practices
5 Mindful Minutes. Set a timer, use an app, or whatever you need for support. I strongly encourage you to do this first thing in the morning. Otherwise, there will be 872 reasons, excuses, and interruptions to get in the way. There’s no better way to start the day than by making a few minutes for your own well-being before everything else starts demanding your attention.
Get a notebook, too. Each time you practice, make a quick note about how it went and what showed up. If you’ve never done anything like this before, it may be uncomfortable. That’s okay. Notice what’s happening without needing to change it. Stay with it. Be the observer. If you already have a morning meditation practice, add these five mindful minutes at another time of day as an additional practice.
Gratitude List. Use the same notebook. First thing in the morning or last thing before bed, write down a few things you’re grateful for. Don’t just name them from your mind. Take a moment to actually feel the gratitude. Part of this practice is learning to notice and strengthen our attention toward what is good, even when there is plenty of other stuff competing for our attention.
These two practices will take about 7 minutes out of your day. If you do nothing else for these 40 days, commit to these two practices as consistently as you can. Pay attention to what changes when you do.
Second: Additional prompts
In addition to those daily practices, I’ll send a simple prompt or exercise each morning for practicing presence.
Some will feel easy. Some may feel difficult or even annoying. Notice your reaction. Can you witness it without immediately following it? Can you stay curious and do the thing anyway?
It’s an experiment. See what happens. Record your experience.
Please reach out with any questions. Otherwise, I’ll be in your inbox tomorrow morning.
Gratitude Wash
I hope you’re off to a good start with 5 Mindful Minutes and the Gratitude List experiment.
For the next few moments, just let gratitude wash over you… To be in a place where it is simply a matter of choice and discipline to be able to do this work. And to know that no matter what time of day you are practicing mindfulness, you are among many others endeavoring to become a little more mindful in everything they do. Allow the breath to remain easy and simple, and let it travel wherever it needs to go in the body.
Explore this felt-sense awareness of gratitude — notice where you feel it in your body. Shift from the thoughts and the idea of gratitude to that deep feeling state. Once you locate where you feel that gratefulness in your body, can you get curious about it? What color is it? What is it’s texture? Or shape? Does it have a temperature or movement? Write down your findings.
Mindful Stretching
Take a few minutes today to move without trying to accomplish anything.
Roll your shoulders. Reach your arms overhead. Fold forward. Move your neck gently from side to side. Let your body choose the movements that feel useful. Instead of asking, Am I doing this right? or How far can I go?, notice what you actually feel. Where is there ease? Where is there resistance? Where do you feel the urge to push? What changes when you slow down?
There’s no sequence to complete and nowhere to get to. Let the movement itself be the practice.
Returning Again
Sometimes the mind wanders far from the present. Sometimes it wanders so far that we don’t even realize we’ve left. We get lost in planning, remembering, rehearsing conversations, worrying about what comes next, or simply following one thought into another.
Today, notice how often you leave the moment you are actually in. You might notice it while brushing your teeth, driving, eating lunch, practicing yoga, or sitting in a conversation with someone you care about. When you notice you've wandered, practice returning. Return to your breath. Return to the feeling of your feet on the ground. Return to the sounds around you. Return to whatever is actually happening right now.
There’s no failure in wandering. The noticing is the practice. See if you can meet yourself with a little less frustration each time you realize you've gone and a little more willingness to simply come back.
Curiosity
What happens when you get curious about your own experience instead of immediately deciding what it means? Today, notice your thoughts as they arise. You might catch yourself thinking, I don't have enough time. They're going to think I'm... I always do this. I should be doing something else. Instead of arguing with the thought or believing it as fact, get curious. Where does your mind go when you aren't paying attention? What subjects seem to come up again and again? What kinds of situations pull you into old patterns? What happens in your body when certain thoughts appear?
You don't need to fix anything or come to any conclusions. Just notice. See if you can approach your own mind with the same curiosity you might bring to someone you are getting to know.
Letting Go
We spend a surprising amount of time holding on. A thought we keep replaying. A conversation we wish had gone differently. Tension in the jaw or shoulders. An expectation about how something should unfold. Today, notice what you might be holding. You don't have to make yourself let anything go. Instead, see if you can simply notice the effort of holding. What does it feel like in your body? Where do you feel it? Does anything change when you bring your attention to it?
Then experiment with a small release. Unclench your jaw. Drop your shoulders. Take a longer exhale. Let out a sigh. Maybe you can loosen your grip on a thought or expectation, even for a moment.
Letting go doesn't always mean releasing something completely. Sometimes it simply means noticing that you have a choice about how tightly you hold it.
Presence in the Ordinary
Mindfulness doesn't require a quiet room, a meditation cushion, or a particularly peaceful day. Most of our lives are made up of ordinary moments.
Today, choose one thing you do every day and see if you can do it without rushing through it.
Wash the dishes. Make your coffee. Walk from your car to the door. Take a shower. Fold laundry. Feed the dog. Brush your teeth.
Notice the details you might normally miss — the temperature of the water, the feeling of your feet against the floor, the sounds around you, the movement of your hands, the rhythm of your breath.
See what happens when you stop treating the moment as something to get through on your way to the next thing. There may be nothing particularly exciting happening. That's the point.
What does it feel like to simply be here for something ordinary?
Listening Deeply
How often are you listening while already preparing what you are going to say next?
Today, experiment with listening a little more deeply. Try it in a conversation with someone else, but also notice how you listen to yourself.
When someone is speaking, see if you can resist planning your response, fixing the problem, comparing it to your own experience, or deciding whether you agree. Just listen.
Notice what happens in your body when you listen this way. Do you feel an urge to interrupt? Do you become distracted? Do you start rehearsing your response?
You can also practice with your own breath, the sounds around you, or the sensations in your body. What happens when you aren't trying to make anything happen and simply allow yourself to hear?
Notice the space that opens when attention is allowed to rest here.
Returning to What Matters
Most days are filled with things asking for our attention. Messages, emails, errands, responsibilities, other people's needs, our own endless lists of things to do.
In the middle of all of that, it can be easy to lose track of what actually matters to us.
Today, pause and notice what feels essential.
Maybe it's a relationship that needs your attention. Maybe it's your own rest. Maybe it's something you've been avoiding. Maybe it's a value you want to live by, or simply the desire to be more present for the life you already have.
You don't need to make a plan or change anything today. Just notice what comes to mind when you ask yourself: What is asking for my presence right now?
Then see if you can return to that throughout the day. Not perfectly. Not constantly. Just again and again, when you remember.
Presence in Action
Mindfulness isn't only something we practice when we are sitting still. We can practice it in the middle of doing.
Today, notice the small moments between impulse and action.
The breath before you answer an email. The pause before you respond to someone. The moment you notice you're rushing and choose to slow down. The way you reach for something, walk into a room, or move your body from one place to another.
See if you can notice yourself while you are doing.
You don't have to move more slowly or carefully all day. This isn't about making every action mindful or turning ordinary life into a performance. It's simply about noticing when you are on autopilot and giving yourself the option to arrive.
What changes when you bring a little more awareness to something you normally do without thinking?
DO OVER DAYS
Some of your prompts will be about review, since life gets away from us, and, frankly, we could do each of these experiments for a week or month at a time. If nothing else, do try to be as consistent as possible with the 5 Mindful Minutes and Gratitude Journal.
Today is do-over day. Look back over the week’s assignments and your reflection notes. Is there an exercise you skipped? One you had a lot of resistance to? One that you didn’t feel there was enough time to really explore? Make a plan for your day that one of those things from Week 1. As always, make a note— not just of what you did, but your reaction to the process.
ALL IN DAYS
Based on the past week of work, make an effort to implement at least 2 of this week’s assignments into your day today. Notice what you do and don’t do. How you feel. If the rhythm of your day or the tone of your mind/energy feels any different. Make notes. This is important.
10 Steady Breaths
The more you think that you don’t have time to take 10 deep breaths, the more you probably need them. When you first start with this exercise, pay attention to the mental chatter, because it can be pretty funny. Our old ways of being carry tremendous momentum, and stopping the momentum, creating a pause, doing something different is going to bring some resistance to the surface. I’ve caught myself say things like:
“I don’t have time for this.” Really? No time to breathe? That won’t go well...
“This is pointless.” Entirely untrue. Extensive scientific research has been done on the profound physiological changes that occur when you breathe deeply.
But this is the nature of the mind, so have a sense of humor. Make a note of what you find.
Again, select at least three times today when you can commit to the practice— particularly times that you know it could be helpful and also will require discipline/effort. Sitting or standing, maybe with eyes closed, bring your awareness to your breath. Begin to deepen the breath, inhaling and exhaling through your nose. Once you have established that pattern, exhale and think “10” then on the next exhale “9” and so on, until you have taken your 10 deep breaths. In that short time, you have lowered your blood pressure and heart rate, reduced your anxiety, increased your focus, and made some space for your unique version of genius to rise to the surface… It’s a lifetime of work, one breath at a time. Every single pause counts.
HIGHER MIND / LOWER MIND
Use this new level of mindfulness to respond when you find yourself in lower mind. The mindfulness practice is essential, so spend a few minutes today making a plan for the week: review the exercises from the past two weeks and choose one or two to commit to practicing daily over the coming week.
For the next two weeks we’ll examine the interaction between higher mind and lower mind. Each week I’ll send a new pair of higher-mind/lower-mind actions or choices to your inbox, along with questions to ponder or journal about and suggestions to experiment with. Your job is to keep each day’s pair in mind and notice how it shows up: which part of you is steering—higher mind or lower mind? Both are always available. One is habitual; the other requires awareness, effort, and a deliberate pause.
One will steer you down familiar paths that often lead to separation, self-centeredness, unhappiness, and a negative worldview. The other opens new routes toward belonging, collaboration, possibility, and a greater capacity to see the good in yourself and others. Remember: you are always choosing.
Some days a particular pair will feel more relevant than others. Even then, take time to write the reflection questions so you remain engaged, no matter what life presents in the moment. Working with these ideas supports your mindfulness practice and is the beginning of changing the lens—or rewriting the script—that has been shaping your experience for years. We can’t change what we don’t see.
Here’s your first pair:
lower mind: one way (my way)
higher mind: many solutions
Questions for reflection:
Where are you stuck in limited ways of seeing yourself, others, the world, the project at hand?
Are you responding in the moment with a fixed sense that things have to go a certain way for you to be okay?
What happens if you open to the idea that there are solutions and options you’ve not considered?
Consider a time when you got just what you wanted and it wasn’t that great. Alternatively, think of a situation when something wasn’t “your way” and was actually pretty wonderful.
Make notes along the way. Pay attention to patterns. Keep up with 5 Mindful Minutes, the Gratitude List and at least one other mindfulness exercise each day. You’ll get out of this what you put in.
***
Closely connected to yesterday’s pair, this set asks you to look at where you are insisting on “I” when residing in “we” has so much to offer.
lower mind: Individuation/I, me, mine
higher mind: the power of the collective
Questions for reflection:
You have unique contributions and a singular voice that have value. However, we live in a time of divisiveness and separation that is detrimental to us as individuals and to collective wellbeing.
***
The next two days are where it all really begins and ends with taking our mindfulness practices to the other humans. This is where all of your work with creating a pause, getting into your body, breathing deeply and being present to what is happening in your own mind are absolutely critical.
lower mind
higher mind
react
respond
Questions for reflection:
Remember that bit about the only difference between a groove, a rut and a grave is depth? Well, here we are. This is where the rubber meets the road. The reaction is the automatic response. It’s what you’ve done before. It will never lead you to a new place. It’s just going to be you, in the hole, again. The only time you can make a change is right now. The only way to be in the now? Pause. Make some extra space. Notice when you are triggered or anxious. Acknowledge what’s present before you speak. Pause again and breathe. Choose your response. What happens?
Keep track of the times, places, events and people that trigger you, and what happens when you respond (or try to!) in a different way than you usually do. Because this is an instantaneous thing, the sooner you can make the note, the better.
***
This ones an essential first step in compassionate communication- which is another way of naming practicing presence with others. To be truly present, and to really connect, we must shift from our pattern of judgement/evaluation to observation.
lower mind
higher mind
judge
observe
Questions for reflection:
One of the side effects of all the mindfulness work you’ve done in the past couple of weeks is (hopefully) growing your ability to observe without judgment what is happening in your own mind and body. It seems that we are hardwired to jump straight into judgement of ourselves and others. When we are present and clear, when we take the time to pause and breathe, there’s the possibility to just observe what is, to see more clearly-- not through the cloudy lens of past experience or personal history.
Whether with colleagues, friends or family, take the seat of observer rather than judge. What does that sound like? Feel like? What happens if you take the sting of judgement out of the moment and simply observe what is, as it is, without the need to make anyone wrong/bad. It’s not an evaluation, it’s just an observation.
Where does this come up for you today, and/or where does this come up for you in your life in general?Be sure to note your experiments and experiences along the way.
***
Consider the idea that the truth is in the center, and each of us is viewing it from our own distinct perspective. Nobody has complete access to the full picture. That’s yet another reason we need each other.
lower mind
higher mind
take it personally
see the bigger picture
Questions for reflection:
Can you take whatever is coming at you (especially from a colleague or loved one) in the best possible way? How does your response change if you assume good intention from the other person?
A number of things are at play when you take something personally. First, you’ve just made whatever has been said about you, when often it’s not about you at all. Second, when you’re in that spot of taking something personally, it’s easy to go down the rabbit hole of past experience. Whatever is happening is no longer just this one interaction with one person, it’s every time you’ve ever felt whatever your feeling: left out, not heard, left behind, made fun of, etc. Get out of your head, your past, your story. What is happening in this one moment? There’s a bigger picture. Can you see it?
Whether it shows up for you today or you take time to write about this pattern in your life, be sure to record your thoughts, reactions, experiences and questions.
***
Taking things personally so often leads you to feeling offended or hurt, shut down or defensive. Once you get offended, it’s not possible to see the other side, and the other side has a view that’s different from yours. If you decide not to be offended, what might you be able to see?
lower mind
higher mind
offended
able to see the other side
Questions for reflection:
Another way of thinking about higher mind and lower mind is recognizing we have a “lower” self that can be petty, self-centered, egotistical, small-minded, insecure, etc. and a “higher” self that shines when we are at our best: generous, thoughtful, considerate, confident, expansive.
Pay attention when you are offended. What is really at stake? What old story, pattern or memory (that is history, not present moment reality) is triggered? Does anything change when you shift into observer mode and try to be present without judgement? What might the view be from someone else’s point of view? Can you make a different choice/respond in a new way when you step into your higher self?
Make notes where you get tripped up and where you have big successes. Again, if this doesn’t show up for you today, make some notes about where it often does show up, so you are continuing to connect to and reflect on how your inner world intersects your outer world.
***
Here’s a juicy one for you.
lower mind
higher mind
controlling
adaptable
Questions for reflection:
Where do you fall on the spectrum from easy going to control freak? This is good information to have about yourself, not for self-criticism, but to hold awareness of the places that you’re most likely to fall into the same old hole. Be reminded that this is not a fixed state. While you might tend toward the grasping and controlling side of the scale, it does not define you, and it’s something you can change.
Notice when you find yourself gripping, grasping, manipulating, trying to control someone or something or some outcome. Notice how it feels in your body. It’s usually tight and rigid. Where do you feel that? Do a body scan. What does letting go feel like? What does releasing or allowing feel like? Take advantage of opportunities to let go, allow, release. Notice when you step up to take control, and see what it’s like to sit down and allow things to unfold. Take a deep breath and zig when you were planning to zag. How does it feel?
Make notes when and where this shows up as well as your reaction to reflecting on the work.
***
Similar to yesterday’s pair, today’s words give you the option to clamp down in a fixed way or go with the flow: a state where you’re open to learn something new.
lower mind
higher mind
inflexible
potential to grow
Questions for reflection:
Ultimately, the only thing you can control is yourself: your words, thoughts and actions. Notice when and where you are being inflexible in a situation, or with another person. Generally this does not go well. What can you learn from trying something new? Does anything change when you can simply observe your tendency or desire to control something rather than take on the label of “controlling” or “inflexible” like a fixed personality trait? Embrace the messiness. That’s life.
Make some notes. What’s easy? What’s difficult? How does it feel inside to look at this part of you?
***
At some point or another, we’ve all fallen prey to this element of the lower mind. The alternative choice is life-changing.
lower mind
higher mind
victim
self-empowerment/agency
Questions for reflection:
In the realm of victim vs. agency: where do you habitually give away your power? With that in mind, do you feel like you are fully responsible for the life you have? Any exceptions? Root out habits, patterns and internal stories that bad things always happen to you or where you are a powerless victim of negative circumstances. You can just as easily adopt the attitude that there’s something to learn even in the most challenging times, and perhaps, what’s happening is happening for you and not to you.
As always, make a few notes as you explore, reflect and learn. Always include questions to bring back to the group.
***
Generally, we try to get out of the discomfort of shame with blame. It’s often easier to point the finger at someone or something else than take responsibility for our words or actions. The inner critic can be so loud and judgmental that getting something wrong can create a total crisis of confidence.
lower mind
higher mind
blame/shame
understanding that mistakes are part of learning and growing
Questions for reflection:
Where are you/are you not accountable for your words and actions- even if/when they don’t go as you intended?
Where does perfectionism show up for you?
Is your first course of action to point the finger at someone else or to look inside to see what part you played that things have unfolded as they have?
What do you think it says about you when you make mistakes?
There’s a lot to unpack with this one. Consider asking a trusted friend to reflect back to you their observations of your tendencies to blame, to strive for the impossible, to accept when you’re wrong, etc.
Pay attention when this work gets uncomfortable. That’s a good thing. You’re growing.
***
You’ve made it to the end of our experiment, my friends. Today is the last message.
Our first two weeks together, you did some dedicated work with incorporating formal and informal mindfulness practices into your daily life. I hope you still are! Our second two weeks were designed to provide opportunities for you to reflect on how you can use those skills of observation, compassion, patience, neutrality, etc when dealing with life and the other humans.
The hope and intention for this work is that you will make it more and more a part of your life. This exercise is something you can start doing every day. Ideally, we are moving toward a way of being in the world where this is actually our state more of the time than not.
Like last Sunday, set reminders or alarms on your phone at regular intervals for your waking hours. It’s not about stopping to do some specific exercise, it’s to bring your full presence to whatever is in the moment. To allow those pings to be wake-up calls that this life is short. This moment is only now. And whatever you are doing deserves your complete, undivided attention.